Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will, as it did Obi-Wan’s apprentice.
Yoda
Was Obi-Wan's apprentice depressed and is Depression a part of the dark side?
I would like,
gentle reader, to muse on Depression, connect it to the Sublime, and possibly
elucidate how the two can add considerable Force to your writing, dark or light,
Sith or Jedi. One way to look at Depression is making it a spectrum – instead of
50 Shades of Gray think 666 Shades of Black, where one end is the homesick,
heartsick nostalgia of Civil War times and the other is a place so dark, life
isn’t worth living, in fact, it’s worth dying to escape this kind of Depression.
Think Homer’s Iliad:
Father
Zeus! rescue the sons of Achaea from these mists and give us clear weather. Let
us see with our own eyes. Even destroy us, so long as it be in daylight.
Rest assured,
this is no linear spectrum, but something with multiple tangents branching off
into more and more tangents. I do not intend my musings to be prescriptive, or
to offer hard, fast definitions, but more of a walk, enlightenment, possibly
even a place to start writing. This first installment should do nothing more
than get the gray matter moving. Let’s start with some feelings.
Depression is
darkness, blackness, a deep, dark hole that one discovers only after he or she
has fallen in, fallen close to the bottom of a bottomless pit. One cannot, in
most cases, pull oneself out of this hole; the gravity is too great. Attempting
to climb out, a natural inclination, is thwarted by the strength of the
gravitational pull of emotions gone awry. Nothing is what it seems to be and
everything is shrouded in a dark mist.
I
feel like I’m underwater, only my fingertips break the surface, and I can’t
move, only hold my breath, hope for help, or wish for death.
To get out of
the depths of darkness, one who is depressed would welcome destruction in
exchange for daylight as the sons of
Achaea desired. One finds that he or she cannot even accept the help of
others, mere mortals; only the supernatural, a miracle, can restore the light.
Family, a friend or spouse, anyone close to the individual is incapable of providing
deliverance. The knowledge that there are rights and wrongs, good and evil,
love and hate, does not matter, they are powerless; the despair grows, consumes,
and plunges them into deeper darkness.
Causes,
treatments, not my point, but an idea, a description, the feel, the sense of
Depression, a starting point is what one must have to begin to see into the
darkness, reap the whirlwind, but like darkness, storms, the weather, each of
us may find Depression differently. Sometimes there is no deep, dark hole, one doesn't
fall into a bottomless pit, or feel they are beneath the surface of a murky,
dead sea. Depression is a stumble into other places just as bottomless and black,
dark paths, anger, fear, aggression.
This route is
deceptive, the individual is just as trapped, just as helpless, but there is
movement, change, hundreds of shades of black in reds, golds, greens, and every
other color. There is a false sense that nothing is wrong, it's just another up
and down on Life's road. In many cases, the individual finds his or her way
out, but only by Chance or with Luck's help. Sometimes the Fates play a part
leading us to a bisecting path, which leads back to light or warmth or a semblance of
normalcy. In reality, it is usually a distraction, a different shade of black,
a new path, but one still near to the dark side.
The individual
develops coping mechanisms, exercise, a hobby, writing, or in many cases, self-medication
via a number of choices. Overall, these choices subconsciously
allow those of us on these paths of gloom to avoid the label Depression. We’re
just stressed, or not on our A-Game, or sad; we forget or deny that no
matter what flavor the Depression is, or how harmless it seems, consume you it will.
I have been on
this these paths, have left them, and will probably return to them. I have been
married to, the father of, a son, grandson, or friend of individuals who have
been in the dark hole, the bottomless bit, the deep lake; some of these souls
never returned. They opted for sunlight through destruction. Some are still in
denial, a select few have found help, but I digress. The point is I have seen
Depression, walked its paths, and found the bisecting paths back to some sense
of function. I have also followed other paths back into the darkness.
What can this
have to do with writing?
Sometimes, a
dark path or two is a good thing, sometimes it makes us appreciate the good,
the opposition in all things, the light, and it can spawn great ideas for
stories, and not just dark stories, horror stories, or bad literary fiction.
The problem: how does one write when he or she is depressed or lost on dark
paths, or how can one write when they have returned?
I came across
these words and it describes rather well what I’ve been suffering the last
several months:
Raging
waves of the sea, foaming out their own shame; wandering stars, to whom is
reserved the blackness of darkness for ever.
Jude
1:13
Raging, shame,
wandering, blackness of darkness for ever – sounds great, poetry, a great
writing prompt, but how do we write in this dark place, about this dark place, distance ourselves from it, or even escape it and find a place to write about it? When the darkness stops us, we medicate,
self-medicate, try to find a way back, or get lucky and have a moment of
sanity. In these rare opportunities, I usually make the mistake of thinking I'm Vader, Obi-Wan’s
apprentice: I will do the right thing in the end, the end justifies the means, I am
the chosen one, and I will bring balance to the Force.
Yes, it sounds delusional
– I prefer the term Romantic – and the term can be interchangeable with the
Sublime, and with the Sublime, always, comes terror and darkness, a sense of
overwhelming awe, maybe the opposite of Depression, but definitely fear is involved.
To
understand the Sublime and Depression, we must understand darkness. John Locke opined
that darkness was not naturally an idea of terror, but was something planted in
the mind. Edmund Burke believed it an association which took in all mankind, an
idea making darkness terrible, an unsafe place impossible to know what
surrounds us in it, what danger lies in wait, or what precipice we may step off of,
or even if an enemy approaches; there is no sure protection in darkness.
From another
point of view, darkness, Depression, and the Sublime are emotion-based, emotions
akin to Lovecraft's familiar the oldest
and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of
fear is fear of the unknown. Is Depression still the unknown? Does this give it power, make it Sublime, and tweak
our senses into fearing it and giving up our power or our freewill? As writers, what
can this darkness do? When we want to terrify or horrify, to create or build
suspense, or keep the gentle reader turning pages, how do we show this emotion,
this unholy Pathos; is there a way to harness this shadowy power without
beating our readers over their heads with telling? Can we get out of our own
dark paralysis to write something powerful?
This dark and
debilitating emotion does not lend itself well to translation, especially into
literature; it does not help us, not even out of bed; most days; we feel like a
derelict wishing to fall down and dissolve into dust. I find forcing myself to
sit in front of a laptop or PC, to record my thoughts, or to take notes almost
impossible. What I do type, record, or write ends up being great seeds, a good
line here, an idea there, but nothing happens. The mists clear from time to
time, but I fail to take advantage of the clarity and write about the murky ambiguity.
So, working
through my own darkness has brought me to the end of this first installment. I
just saw some old friends, William and Dorothy Wordsworth, Samuel Taylor
Coleridge, and William Blake, that may make an appearance in the next installment. My dark path has taken me to the Romantics many times and
beyond. I hope to see you next time, part two, delving a little deeper into
writing Depression as Sublime… and remember, the Force will be with you, always…I am your father.
